Killing You Softly
by FireValkyrie
Summary: Diary entries of one aggravated girl as she decides to hunt down and kill Voldemort to stop angsty writers from ruining Harry Potter's life. Crazystupid insanity. One of those idiotic tales that is written when high on sugar. You'll smile, I swear. Day1:


**Warning: **Unauthorized reposting is not tolerated. Harry Potter copyright respective owners. Storyline and Creativity herein copyright FireValkyrie: Miss T. Vaughn S. For archiving information and express permission to archive elsewhere, please contact me at horrormoviebufy at yahoo . com or slytherinsnakequeensupreme at yahoo . com. There is no acceptable excuse for unauthorized postings as I am quite reachable. If this story is found on any other site except fanfiction . net, please contact me. Thank you!

Utter and total insanity. I don't know what possessed me to write this nonsense, but I hope you will enjoy it. If you liked the Glory Story, chances are that this will be right up your alley. Enjoy and please review:D

Killing You Softly

sSs

Day1: On the hunt for Voldemort. Cannot stand all the angsty fan fiction and the emotional instability of that over-publicized wizard boy. Need to do something to break the terrible cycle and get Potter out of those dreadfully angst fics. Will help Harry Potter to grow into an emotionally stable young man by process of hunting down and killing Voldemort.  
Will call it 'Project Help-Harry-Potter-Mature-Into-An-Emotionally-Stable-Young-Adult,' or H.H.P.M.I.A.E.S.Y.A. for federal tax purposes.

Day5: Project H.H.P.M.I.A.E.S.Y.A. under way. No sign of Voldemort. Had canned green beans for dinner over fire. Used bowtruckles as fuel by mistake. Had to move camp.

Day10: No sign of Voldemort. Am starting to hate canned green beans.

Day21: Still no sign of Voldemort. Attacked again by fictional creatures. Wondering if canned green beans are a tool of the Dark Lord…

Day22: Have sighted Voldemort. Project H.H.P.M.I.A.E.S.Y.A fully activated. p.s. Must think of a better acronym for project.

Day23: He invites me in for drinks. It's a little weird.

Day ??: Wake up in strange place. What was in those drinks? And where are my socks?  
p.s. Why is there a 50 jammed into my thong?

Day52: Still imprisoned for 'drinks' this afternoon...am getting suspicious.  
p.s. Why do I keep finding strange currency in my clothes? Am I being paid to drink with Voldemort, or am I having sex for money?

Day55: A little concerned...Is Voldie using me, or is this a meaningful relationship? If so, why won't he let me remember? Maybe his penis is small...

Day43: Travelled back in time. Saw myself having sex with Voldemort. It was very not hot.  
Don't remember wearing that ugly mask though.  
Maybe he's into that kind of stuff…

Day57: Took over Voldemort's house. Can't find him anywhere

Day63: Finally found him hiding behind the curtains. He said I counted to one-thousand. Do not remember counting to one-thousand.  
Maybe he's tricking me into thinking I've won. What is he REALLY up to?

Day64: Found a way out of Voldemort's keep. Involves two house elves, a stick of dynamite, and a water pistol.  
Still haven't figured out what the water pistol is for...

Day135: Journal has been missing for months. Is sticky.  
Will talk to Voldie over supper.

Day462: Me and Voldie have come to an 'understanding'. Finally figured out what water pistols could've been used for, but have long lost dynamite...Damn elves.

Day500: Have picked out curtains with Voldie for living room. Hate that mauve color he has in every room. Had Tiffanys designers over for drinks.

Day503: Haven't seen Tiffanys designers in three days. Talked to Voldie. He swears he hasn't seen them.  
Made him count to one-thousand. Still no sign of them.  
What about my curtains?

Day507: Found designers planning with Voldie for more mauve curtains.  
He must be stopped at all costs.

Day508: Made house elves order more water pistols. Should be here any day now.  
Found strange white mask lying on the floor. Told Voldie I was too tired for any of the kinky stuff.

Day510: Still waiting for water pistols. For God's sake he's put them up in the shower!

Day512: Water pistols have arrived. Through combinations of peanuts, charcoal, and green bean cans, have constructed a stick of dynamite. Will fully activate plan in the morning.

Day513: Voldie looks so innocent when he's sleeping. Like a howler monkey.  
We now have ugly mauve curtains around the bed posts. Damn Tiffanys designers will not stay out of the bedroom, and Voldie is cranky if woken early.

Day515: Am going to put dynamite, water pistols, and house elves inside a cake. Will see what happens when he tries to have a bite.

Day516: Cake has been decorated with mauve icing. I will kill him. He shall choke on his mauve curtains.

Day517: Tired. Taking the weekend off with Voldie to the company country club. Leaving the kids with Mother and Pop-pop Voldemort. Will kill Voldie later.

Day520: Found another white mask in the living room. Am getting suspicious. Is he cheating on me?

Day531: Heard him talking to someone named Lucy or Luscious Mailboy on the phone. Didn't catch it as was too drunk from drinks with the Tiffanys workers.  
Will kill him if he's cheating on me.

Day567: Walked in on Voldie and giant orgy of people in white masks in darkened mauve-curtained room. Killed all but three. Could not find Voldie anywhere.

Day569: Found Voldie behind mauve curtains after tearing them down.  
The sun came up and he started screaming about light and mauve.  
Told him to live outside with the other dogs.

Day570: Found pile of white dust where Voldie had lain screaming. Wondering what happened to him.  
Am taking the kids and leaving Project H.H.P.M.I.A.E.S.Y.A. to the professionals.

Day571: Jordan Jr. said the cutest thing the other day: "Daddy go dust"  
Project H.H.P.M.I.A.E.S.Y.A. currently changed to D.G.D. Will take credit as Jordan is only two and cannot argue my point. Will accept award from Her Majesty as soon as pick up kids from daycare.  
Met a nice man named Phineas. Am starting life over.

Day603: Am over Voldemort. Succeeded in mission. Honored by Ministry.

Overall, am quite pleased with the outcome of Project H.H.P.M.I- er, D.G.D. Will donate my scientific journal to the British Museum for posterity.  
Or possibly Lloyds of London. Mama needs a new pair of everything!

sSs

Ha ha, I had no other clever way to end it. Utter and total tripe, and something that originated from a crazy night of IM-ing between friends. Please R/R my crazy half-baked story with complaints, compliments, or rants. Thanx for reading this nut job:D


End file.
